Complacency is not a word I normally associate with atheists. When I see them they are generally on the attack against some representative of institutionalized religion however recently, I watched a podcast with Richard Dawkins, who wrote the God Delusion, and Ricky Gervais, the acclaimed comedian, actor, writer and atheist. By the end of the presentation, I began to sense a complacency in the two atheists. Of course they had no one to attack. Their perspective seemed to be that they thought they knew all the answers. God was a delusion and rational knowledge and science provided no option than disbelief. They also seemed dismissive of agnostics for sitting on the fence.
Of course it was funny and convincing for the most part yet I felt that the discussion was limited to a framework that allowed no space or possibility for curiosity about the metaphysical. At one juncture the mediator offered them three choices:
1) I believe in God.
2) I don’t believe in God.
3) I don’t know.
Ricky quickly expressed his problem with the question. “The first two are beliefs and the second knowledge. Once you express a belief the third is irrelevant.” (He is very smart). I felt the problem with the question is that it is irrelevant unless you define what you mean by God. If you refer to a personal anthropomorphic deity that controls both the individual and collective affairs of our universe and planet, my answer would clearly be 2. However if one replaces the word God with “The Mystery” my answer would be 1. I don’t need to know what the mystery really means as I am an agnostic with curiosity. I love the quote by by Gerald May, theologian and psychiatrist, “the unique reality of mystery is that mystery can be known without being solved. Mystery can be experienced, appreciated even loved without being understood.”
My sense of the mystery came to me later in life. When I was 14 I became an atheist. I could not believe in the concept of God espoused by my parents which was authoritarian, cruel and heartless and to avoid Hell, a literal place in those days, I had to accept that God sent his son down to be tortured and murdered to save me. It seemed an impossibly insane concept but one that was accepted by my three elder siblings and both my parents. This rejection deeply challenged my father, a lay preacher, who at one time said, “how do you think I feel, I spend my life trying to save people and I can’t convert my own son” This was shortly followed by “because you have heard the truth and refused to believe you are doubly condemned!” Tough fodder for a fifteen year old.
I only fully realized the relentless power of this concept when my mother told me when I was 41 that she and my father had decided that God had not intended them not to have children. At the time I thought it was more to do with a blasphemous exclamation I had unwittingly released in the car, “Jesus Christ I left the fucking water on,” than with heaven and hell. Only when she was dying 24 years later did I fully realize the pain my disbelief gave her because she believed I was headed for a literal eternal damnation. (Ironically to support her in dying peacefully I told her “I believed”.)
It was around this time it became clear to me that my atheism was primarily a rejection of my father’s God concept. This led me on a 25 year journey exploring spirituality, psychology, belief and faith. I explored the different faith traditions, discovered the power of working with intention, briefly accepted a more positive concept of a loving, kinder, mother/father God, and for 25 years I believed I was a spiritual being having a human experience, I believed I had an immortal Soul and for a time accepted reincarnation and life after death. Then the truly terrifying happened, I read Yuval Harari’s book Sapiens and lost my faith/belief. I realized that none of these concepts had resonance any more. My 25-year study that had incorporated numerous courses, classes, seminars and even a stint at theological seminary had left me only with confusion. To quote eminent Jungian analyst James Hollis, “the energy had left the symbol leaving only a dry husk”.
I felt bereft yet had a sense that something remained that prevented me from simply slipping into atheism and perhaps despair. First there remained my sense of an inner guidance system that can direct my life positively when I set intention and pay attention. Second my belief in an unconscious aspect of my being that can only be accessed through dreams, reactions and feelings. Third the continuing desire to seek meaning in my life regardless of a God or whether I had an immortal soul. In fact this one life seemed more precious. Finally a deep sense that there was something rather than nothing. The words of the psychologist and spiritual teacher Jean Houston resonated deeply, “you are more than you think you are and something in you knows it.”
Over 25 years I had collected significant personal evidence that there may be something rather than nothing:
A psychic love affair when I had a communication with another person over time and space.
Numerous synchronicities that defied scientific principles yet had happened.
Fascinating evidence from studies of near death experience that defied my logical process.
Individual examples of reincarnation that seemed undeniable.
Personal moments of awe, wonder and the numinous.
Strange examples of the power of deeply held belief/faith to influence individual events.
The uncanny sense of my life having a direction that I do not always consciously control.
This fascinating combination of uncertainty and mystery that cannot be empirically proved, at least not yet, feeds me at a deep level. My curiosity to explore my relationship with this mystery, my interest in unravelling my own psychology combined with my desire to access my own deeper levels of intuitive wisdom continued to give my life meaning. This brings me far more joy and satisfaction than refusing to go where science cannot lead. Atheism although absolutely legitimate from the view of science seems such a dead end. I accept I could be absolutely wrong about everything but the joy I have gained from the journey can never be dismissed.
In his book “Tracking The Gods – the place of myth in modern life”, James Hollis asks, “what would have happened to allow you to die with integrity and a sense of completion?” In reply he suggests that to feel a linkage to a larger order of meaning, some connection with the mystery that courses through history and animates the human soul is required. I wonder if atheists can relate to that?
Posted by ta44 
SoulClarity 