I am sitting awash with shame, irritation, frustration and embarrassment at my behaviour on the phone. It was a call from the security company who monitor my house that triggered it. “Hi I am just calling to tell you that I can’t process your credit card for this year’s payment.” “Oh I thought I had told you. I don’t want to renew with you this year.” “The terms of our service require you to give us one month’s notice in writing.” “ I don’t remember agreeing to that, as far as I am concerned we have a year to year contract that is renewed each year.” “ It’s in the contract” “Well that is probably some small print I never noticed. You can’t do that and I’m not paying. Sue me.”
Just when I thought I had said goodbye to Charlie Control, he injects himself into my life again. (https://ta44.wordpress.com/2011/10/31/i-don’t-think-the-chocolate-helped…/) This time it is even worse, there is no buffer between me and the caller, I have treated someone who was only doing their job discourteously and inappropriately. I feel pissed off with the universe and myself as well. How often did I have to learn this lesson, and why couldn’t I get it right. I had been working with seeing the gap and identifying complexes for what seemed like an eternity and here I am back down the hole again! I head downstairs and draw a rune, “reverse initiation” I don’t bother to read it, it will be all too familiar and somewhat tedious, probably something about self-improvement. I head out for a long walk planning to clear my head for the two client sessions ahead of me in the evening, and hoping I can do a better job with them than with myself.
The next morning I began to work with the experience. I noticed some interesting energy when she first told me why she was calling. She had called before and I had done nothing about the call. I had felt caught out. Then to my horror I realized I had also told a lie. I had known full well I had never contacted them. Then as though I was compensating for being in the wrong, I got more aggressive and controlling. As I explored my feelings I observed how childlike my reaction had been. I got caught out, told a lie then got mad. I tried to reflect on previous times when I had felt this way but nothing came.
I picked up the rune reading and smile in amazement. It talks about not binding myself to past achievements and recognizing the situation as a series of challenges specific to the situation you are undergoing. The final few lines resonate deeply: Then each setback, each humiliation becomes a test of character. When your inner being is shifting and reforming on a deep level, patience, constancy and perseverance are called for. So stay centered, see the humour and keep your faith firm.
It’s as though Ralph Blum had written those words for me. I feel lighter and wonder what the right thing to do may be. I decide to write a card to the person I accosted on the phone apologizing, asking her to forgive me, also giving written notice while agreeing to pay if they show me the agreement and send an invoice. I was going to mail the letter but I live near their office although I have to cross a busy street to get there. I decided that if the universe clears the traffic I will deliver it by hand otherwise drop it in the mail. It is almost magical the way the traffic evaporates like the parting of the Red Sea so I cross the road, make the delivery and feel I am complete.